restitui | limelight

Even if I decided to graduate early - it doesn't mean I couldn't enjoy an indefinite amount of time as a normal high school kid with my normal high school boyfriend in a normal high school?

[ yes he says it that way on purpose as he looks away sheepishly: ] If you wanted.

[squeezes his hand]

Of course I'd love that, if it's what you want too.

[ Squeezing his hand back, earnestly: ]

Wouldn't suggest it if I didn't.

Was that the only thing you wanted to talk about?

Actually, um - I don't think I'm going to do it immediately, but I wanted to give you a heads up beforehand that I'm thinking of starting the visions again.

[ very minor tensing. ]

Yeah? You should, if you're ready, I mean. And I'll want to hear about it, of course, if you want me to.

Is there... any reason? Or do you just feel it's time?

After that last Performance, it's kind of like... I don't want my Family to feel like they have to treat me like a kid. And maybe I've kind of been treating myself like that for waiting so long?

And then I was thinking, like, so many bad things happen here and we never know when or how they're going to. But even if I watch all of mine and it ends with the worst case scenario, at least that's one more thing that won't be hanging over my head. Once I know for sure, I can... I don't know, start to move on if I need to. You know?

[ he listens carefully, squeezing his hand after a moment offers quietly: ]

I don't think watching visions is going to make them stop treating you like a kid. Even if all you see is bad things, that's probably going to make them want to protect you more. But I def get that feeling.

... and the rest of it, of course. We talked about it right? No matter what happens to them we're still here. It's yours and you have to face it sometime - and good or bad we'll all be here for you.

No, I know. It's less that I think it'll change how they act and more that... I don't know. It just feels weird wanting them to think I can handle things when I've kind of been avoiding something that big, if that makes more sense.

[nodding, and giving his hand a squeeze in turn]

Yeah. Whatever happens - you'll be the first to hear about it once I know.

It'll change how you feel? How you perceive yourself? For the record, everyone treats visions differently. I think it's still pretty brave to be able to go "no this isn't for me and I don't want to handle it right now," versus obsessively looking at them. Speaking as the obsessive one.

Hopefully, it'll be something you're happy to tell me about.

I don't think you're obsessive. And I think, like, the more I thought about it after the last Performance, the more I realized... If I don't know for sure what happened to him, I'm always going to be kind of wondering and worrying, even if I know it doesn't need to affect me.

I hope so, too.

Is this the part where I tell you I was the primary reason Unholy scored as high as it did in the secrets performance?

[ it's a quick joke because he's more focused on the rest. ]

I get it - it's always felt like if I didn't watch them then I'd be denying his being real which felt pretty cruel considering his whole thing? [ He shakes his his head a little. ] What was it about the performance? Just hearing about a whole family that disappeared or...?

No, it's more like... I guess it wasn't the Performance itself, it was thinking afterwards that I wished I'd been able to do more there, and I was worried people were trying to shield me from it, and then I realized it's maybe not fair of me to try and act like I'm really responsible and can handle a bunch of stuff when it kind of felt like I was running from the visions because they scared me. You know?

... Yeah, I get it.

You want to be able to be there for them when they need it, too, and this is kind of the first step to it?

[nods]

Yeah. I don't want to be the kind of person who runs away from something because I'm scared, and - I think that's why I've been hesitating so long.

[ squeezes his hand again. ]

... You're not running away now, are you? [ lightly, encouragingly. ] You should do it. And if you start acting weird or feeling weird, you have like all of Sun Sign to sit on you.

Yeah. And - I'll tell you if I ever start feeling like that, promise.

Thank you.

Good, because I don't want you going through those kind of feelings alone.

[ tilts his head, ]

You don't have anything to thank me for?

No, I definitely do. Being really supportive and kind and amazing, for starters.

All things you deserve and need, so I'm happy to give it.

... but this does mean I have to look at mine sooner than later, too. I can't be afraid of him.

Oh - you don't have to. I mean, you definitely can if that's what you want, just... I don't want you to feel pressured or anything just because I'm gonna start again.

I don't feel pressured and I don't want you to change what you're doing.

I'm not sure I want to consider others right now... but I think I at least have to look at the one with Tommy in it or I might not relax.

...Okay. Do you want me there while you watch it?

If you want to be there, I won't say no.

Of course I do. Whenever you want.

[ munches on pizza for a moment. ]

Before considering that - any other worries left?

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