[ He doesn't hug him back stiffening at the touch. His eyes close tightly and his breath comes out in tiny puffs as he shakes. Or he tries to convince himself he's not as he listens, giving a vehement shake of his head 'no'. ]
That's different.
[ Is it? Yes, to him it is. He can believe in everyone else but - ] I shouldn't even exist. I'm dangerous and as long as I am I'm a threat to everyone I care about.
It can't be different, though. If you don't exist, you can't make use of those powers you say do as they do to rewrite anything.
Either you exist as a mistake and your entire argument given to me for why my seeking death isn't an option becomes an invalidated. Or you exist as a miracle that shouldn't be but is, and you and your powers prove that we can control our fate whether date wants to let us or not.
You can't have it both ways.
So, which is it?
You're going to have to accept the troubles your existence brings with the ability to help this in ways no one else can; or you reject your existence and watch on the sidelines as you can't help anyone.
You'll need to choose.
[ Sam uses his foot to swipe the ring for where it's fallen back to slide in front of promise, letting him go. ]
I won't stop you from getting rid of whatever this is if that's your choice. But, I will stop you from making a knee-jerk reaction decision to doing so.
[ Phoenix listens even if his mouth and brows dig further and lower into his face. Can he rewrite anything with magick? He doesn't actually know and he wonders if his determination implied something different (but the answer is yes, of course it is, he just doesn't know that). ]
[ His eyes remain glassy as hands ball uselessly into fists - not to fight, not to attack, but for want of something to do. ]
[ (He's not a miracle. He does not feel like a miracle. ]
[ But finally, Sam lets him go and he moves to snatch up the ring and tightens his hand around it. The pulse of electrified power that's come with touching it - and the marble before it - races against his skin as he squeezes his eyes shut. ]
[ He takes a breath. ]
It is different, because I still want to live. I don't want to die - I just want to live as myself. [ The grip tightens. ] I don't want this.
I thought I did once, but -
[ The more he hears. The more he knows. The more it scares him - he scares himself. He tucks his head away. ] And I thought maybe it could help, but if what I think is true then it's...
You're pretty young for all this, even moreso as you have amnesia. It's understandable you're overwhelmed.
...You're right that there is a difference, though. The difference is you still have a choice because you know these things ahead of time now, which makes you different from your vision self when these things happened to him. I won't let you squander it over fear. I'm not saying you have to be abnormal, but don't you think making this choice right this second is pretty finalizing without calming down and having consideration for the part of you that desires to help others?
It's not a bad thing, and it's absolutely not wrong if you find that your desire to help's less than your fear of hurting.
You just need to make sure, first.
And... as someone who just saw through me so easily— Blessing or powers or whatever the hell reason for it— I can't ignore that your desire towards helping others is an innate part of you that you can't control. ...It's easily just as much as you can't control being afraid you'll harm others, too.
[ He doesn't disagree. It's why he swallows roughly - he thought being prepared more meant he'd have a better handle. But if he could do something so massive without even knowing, what then ..?]
... I have thought about it. A lot before now.
[ as in its his "a lot to think about " but he presses his knuckles against an eye as he breathes out. ]
[ Sam reaches up to gently stroke Phoenix's hair. ]
It's okay, you know. To be afraid. To be able to admit it means you're already stronger than you give yourself credit for.
I know you still got so many unknowns and what-ifs, too. But you don't have to be able to understand and figure it all out by yourself, either. You still got time before you have to choose.
[ His hand might run across some scarring that makes Phoenix duck his head more, dwbi. ]
[ Scared almost feels too light a word. Is it bad that the idea terrifies him more than being on the ship? Maybe. He doesn't say it. A small shake of his head, a swallow, a breath, and slowly shaky hands move to hug him back. (Because I'm assuming this hasn't broken up IDK but it's there now). ]
[ He doesn't think he's strong, either, but he doesn't say that. ]
We don't know that and by then - it might be too late.
[ He doesn't know. He just knows somehow, somewhat he did all of it without meaning to. Without knowing. Without. He takes a breath. Until the ship hadn't he felt alone? Not like Dove was bad - no - but he wanted to protect her. He wanted to be there for her. ]
[ Because Sam was right: Phoenix had always been there for others first. Billy had also always been there for others first, locking himself up to spare others. It's who he was. He thinks this Blessing and that Power might be a big part of it, sure, but he can't help but think like Billy might now - In the last moments of a ten-year-old boy who went to bed knowing he'd never wake up. That he wasn't supposed to exist and his existence hurt people and so he couldn't exist. It was the right thing to do. ]
[ ( Did that mean on some weird, fundamental level that he felt the same? His own wants and desires lesser for the people around him? ) ]
[ He doesn't let himself question it. The people on the ship had offered him so much. Growing closer to Gingham - being told to be whoever he wanted to be and accepted for the scary thing he thinks he might be one day. No, he knows he might be one day. A bad person or a good person? The people here had accepted even the scariest part of him - ]
[ Sam doesn't even know any of it and maybe that makes him want to waver in his belief. But he's right - every step of the way, especially lately, there's been people. Ones who didn't want him to be alone. Ones who wanted him to be who he was. Ones that thought his way of thinking was silly and still supported him. He closes his eyes tighter and his fingers curl into the fabric of Sam's shirt. ]
I know.
[ Did he? ] I know that now.
Before it was different but now —
[Thanks for being a home I could come back to, he's told Gingham but it wasn't just the other boy. Between the memories of a real family and his time on the ship, it'd been true. He thinks before, it'd have been so easy to dissolve back into the ocean and try to be someone new... or no one at all. But he wants to be him and figure out who that is even if the horizon terrifies him to stillness because there are people.
Sam doesn't expect the return hug, and is visibly surprised even if Phoenix can't see (although he probably can feel it,) but he'll hug back soon after without trouble.
At least, to him, he assumes it probably means a good thing, especially since the other isn't been able to do so initially. ]
As for not knowing and it potentially being too late... eh, I think it's safe to say, even if you are the most powerful thing to exist in all worlds and instances, that at the very least there is something that can be done.... because none of us are in the worlds our visions take place in. Which means any powers are alien to this world and so more likely to be susceptible to interferences from other sources, even if those sources are far weaker and normally wouldn't be able to do anything.
So, even if in that world no one was able to prevent things from happening because of the power the you there had, it is much more likely others can now also help you control it in ways you simply couldn't even help yourself back there because of being here now.
[ The most powerful thing to exist in all worlds and instances. He doesn't think it's like that even if he knows how much power his mother wielded and thus him. (It is in fact exactly like that, eventually, in MCU comics mister destined to rewrite the universal itself). ]
[ He steps back after a few moments, wiping his eyes. ]
- There was someone I thought would help because he's always talked like he can do anything and he pretty firmly said he thought in this case he wouldn't be able to - [ His mouth twitches. ] I thought that was crazy before. I mean- you're right. We don't know how it'll be in this universe but even if it's small my mind could still...
[ Kill people. No he doesn't let himself say that. ]
I would actually feel a little bad for her to end up here. All us weaklings that can't die and most of us got nothing worthwhile to show for it for like ya' boy in your visions does.
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Re: DAY 268; early afternoon
That's different.
[ Is it? Yes, to him it is. He can believe in everyone else but - ] I shouldn't even exist. I'm dangerous and as long as I am I'm a threat to everyone I care about.
Re: DAY 268; early afternoon
Either you exist as a mistake and your entire argument given to me for why my seeking death isn't an option becomes an invalidated. Or you exist as a miracle that shouldn't be but is, and you and your powers prove that we can control our fate whether date wants to let us or not.
You can't have it both ways.
So, which is it?
You're going to have to accept the troubles your existence brings with the ability to help this in ways no one else can; or you reject your existence and watch on the sidelines as you can't help anyone.
You'll need to choose.
[ Sam uses his foot to swipe the ring for where it's fallen back to slide in front of promise, letting him go. ]
I won't stop you from getting rid of whatever this is if that's your choice. But, I will stop you from making a knee-jerk reaction decision to doing so.
Re: DAY 268; early afternoon
[ His eyes remain glassy as hands ball uselessly into fists - not to fight, not to attack, but for want of something to do. ]
[ (He's not a miracle. He does not feel like a miracle. ]
[ But finally, Sam lets him go and he moves to snatch up the ring and tightens his hand around it. The pulse of electrified power that's come with touching it - and the marble before it - races against his skin as he squeezes his eyes shut. ]
[ He takes a breath. ]
It is different, because I still want to live. I don't want to die - I just want to live as myself. [ The grip tightens. ] I don't want this.
I thought I did once, but -
[ The more he hears. The more he knows. The more it scares him - he scares himself. He tucks his head away. ] And I thought maybe it could help, but if what I think is true then it's...
[ He shakes his head. ]
Re: DAY 268; early afternoon
...You're right that there is a difference, though. The difference is you still have a choice because you know these things ahead of time now, which makes you different from your vision self when these things happened to him. I won't let you squander it over fear. I'm not saying you have to be abnormal, but don't you think making this choice right this second is pretty finalizing without calming down and having consideration for the part of you that desires to help others?
It's not a bad thing, and it's absolutely not wrong if you find that your desire to help's less than your fear of hurting.
You just need to make sure, first.
And... as someone who just saw through me so easily— Blessing or powers or whatever the hell reason for it— I can't ignore that your desire towards helping others is an innate part of you that you can't control. ...It's easily just as much as you can't control being afraid you'll harm others, too.
Re: DAY 268; early afternoon
... I have thought about it. A lot before now.
[ as in its his "a lot to think about " but he presses his knuckles against an eye as he breathes out. ]
I'm afraid.
Re: DAY 268; early afternoon
It's okay, you know. To be afraid. To be able to admit it means you're already stronger than you give yourself credit for.
I know you still got so many unknowns and what-ifs, too. But you don't have to be able to understand and figure it all out by yourself, either. You still got time before you have to choose.
Re: DAY 268; early afternoon
[ Scared almost feels too light a word. Is it bad that the idea terrifies him more than being on the ship? Maybe. He doesn't say it. A small shake of his head, a swallow, a breath, and slowly shaky hands move to hug him back. (Because I'm assuming this hasn't broken up IDK but it's there now). ]
[ He doesn't think he's strong, either, but he doesn't say that. ]
We don't know that and by then - it might be too late.
[ He doesn't know. He just knows somehow, somewhat he did all of it without meaning to. Without knowing. Without. He takes a breath. Until the ship hadn't he felt alone? Not like Dove was bad - no - but he wanted to protect her. He wanted to be there for her. ]
[ Because Sam was right: Phoenix had always been there for others first. Billy had also always been there for others first, locking himself up to spare others. It's who he was. He thinks this Blessing and that Power might be a big part of it, sure, but he can't help but think like Billy might now - In the last moments of a ten-year-old boy who went to bed knowing he'd never wake up. That he wasn't supposed to exist and his existence hurt people and so he couldn't exist. It was the right thing to do. ]
[ ( Did that mean on some weird, fundamental level that he felt the same? His own wants and desires lesser for the people around him? ) ]
[ He doesn't let himself question it. The people on the ship had offered him so much. Growing closer to Gingham - being told to be whoever he wanted to be and accepted for the scary thing he thinks he might be one day. No, he knows he might be one day. A bad person or a good person? The people here had accepted even the scariest part of him - ]
[ Sam doesn't even know any of it and maybe that makes him want to waver in his belief. But he's right - every step of the way, especially lately, there's been people. Ones who didn't want him to be alone. Ones who wanted him to be who he was. Ones that thought his way of thinking was silly and still supported him. He closes his eyes tighter and his fingers curl into the fabric of Sam's shirt. ]
I know.
[ Did he? ] I know that now.
Before it was different but now —
[ Thanks for being a home I could come back to, he's told Gingham but it wasn't just the other boy. Between the memories of a real family and his time on the ship, it'd been true. He thinks before, it'd have been so easy to dissolve back into the ocean and try to be someone new... or no one at all. But he wants to be him and figure out who that is even if the horizon terrifies him to stillness because there are people.
And he isn't alon. ]
1/2
Sam doesn't expect the return hug, and is visibly surprised even if Phoenix can't see (although he probably can feel it,) but he'll hug back soon after without trouble.
At least, to him, he assumes it probably means a good thing, especially since the other isn't been able to do so initially. ]
Re: DAY 268; early afternoon
As for not knowing and it potentially being too late... eh, I think it's safe to say, even if you are the most powerful thing to exist in all worlds and instances, that at the very least there is something that can be done.... because none of us are in the worlds our visions take place in. Which means any powers are alien to this world and so more likely to be susceptible to interferences from other sources, even if those sources are far weaker and normally wouldn't be able to do anything.
So, even if in that world no one was able to prevent things from happening because of the power the you there had, it is much more likely others can now also help you control it in ways you simply couldn't even help yourself back there because of being here now.
Re: DAY 268; early afternoon
Please don't wish that on me.
[ The most powerful thing to exist in all worlds and instances. He doesn't think it's like that even if he knows how much power his mother wielded and thus him. (It is in fact exactly like that, eventually, in MCU comics mister destined to rewrite the universal itself). ]
[ He steps back after a few moments, wiping his eyes. ]
- There was someone I thought would help because he's always talked like he can do anything and he pretty firmly said he thought in this case he wouldn't be able to - [ His mouth twitches. ] I thought that was crazy before. I mean- you're right. We don't know how it'll be in this universe but even if it's small my mind could still...
[ Kill people. No he doesn't let himself say that. ]
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He was pretty confident until he saw the fight with Death vision.
Re: DAY 268; early afternoon
A fight with Death personified or?
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Like Death, the cosmic entity over the entire universe.
Re: DAY 268; early afternoon
[ he's trying here!! Like for starters: could you punch it in the face or not? ]
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Though I'd guess she could appear as whatever she wanted.
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And she wanted him dead. I can only guess why.
[ the sarcasm is real. ]
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I would actually feel a little bad for her to end up here. All us weaklings that can't die and most of us got nothing worthwhile to show for it for like ya' boy in your visions does.
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